I let my boys – ages 10 and 13 -- watch a few episodes of The Bachelor. I know, my Mother of the Year Award is waiting. Most of the time they weren’t interested, but occasionally they sat next to me on Monday nights to see the drama unfold. They witnessed Kelsey, the school counselor, fake a panic attack. She felt better as soon as the bachelor told her she looked amazing wearing the oxygen mask. Noah exclaimed how grateful he was for his junior high school counselor. (This TV show really makes you appreciate your life when you see the train wrecks on TV.) Henry may not admit it, but he got caught up in a bit of the drama between contestants Britt and Carly.
My husband also watched a bit of The Bachelor, as evidenced by a Facebook post he wrote in January:
“Things I have in common with the Bachelor: 1. We are both named Chris. 2. We are both Scorpios. 3. We are both from Iowa. 4. We both enjoy sitting around a campfire with a bunch of crazy women.”
I had to remind the boys that this is a reality show. I’m guessing a lot of it is scripted. I had to remind them that it made a lot of women look like bimbos, going on a reality show to find “true love” and a “soul mate.” I had to remind them it was awful entertainment.
Last night was THE finale, where Chris was going to get down on one knee and pop the question to Becca, the chiropractic assistant from California. Or would he choose Whitney, the fertility nurse from Chicago? Whitney was too aggressive, in my opinion, while Becca didn’t seem to give a hoot about him. I wouldn’t have chosen either one.
My sister-in-law and I exchanged texts a few times during the show. R U ready? Dang, Becca’s confused. She’s kind of untouchable like Chris’s brother-in-law said. Why is he wasting his time with her? Who’s got time for that? LOL
My husband Chris (same name but NOT a bachelor) left last week for a business trip and was gone four nights. He returned about thirty minutes before The Bachelor finale started. Because Isaac goes to the Rec Center every Monday night and his autism makes it difficult to deviate from the routine, I told my non-bachelor husband that if he got home before 7:00 pm, he was doomed. He had to take Isaac to the Rec Center because Isaac was not going to give him a pass. Isaac didn’t want me to take him. “Rec Center Dad!” Chris said he would be happy to do it. (Yes, that was the correct answer.)
While they were gone, I curled up on the couch and started watching the three-hour finale. Thank God for TiVo and the fast forward button. I asked Noah if he wanted to join me, but he emphatically declined.
When they got home, Henry said, “We drove into the driveway and I could see in the window that you were watching the finale.” Yep, I started without them. I didn’t think they'd mind. Isaac wanted to play Wii and wanted The Bachelor turned off. I tried to sneak in a few minutes here and there, but it was nearly impossible.
During the most dramatic rose ceremony yet, Chris (the TV guy) met his two loves in a barn where chandeliers hung from the rafters. I grew up on a farm, and we never had chandeliers in our barn, but whatever. I never wore a strapless evening gown in a barn, either.
During the last few minutes when TV Chris made his decision – the climax I had been waiting for ALL season – Isaac demanded I turn off the trashy show. I ignored his pleas and he used his speech device to get the message across.
Isaac screamed, “TV off!” and shut off the TV. Finally I logged him onto my laptop, where he played Super Why Rock and Read Jukebox on pbskids.org. He opened up six tabs and six versions of the song “I Want to Spell, S-P-E-L-L”. It was blasting at full volume. At times he was laughing and shrieking with happiness. I turned up the TV so I could hear the bachelor Chris propose. It was, of course, a magical moment.
As Prince Farming put the diamond ring on Whitney’s finger, 10-year-old Henry held up the iPad. He had been sitting on the couch the whole time, drawing a picture of contestant Britt – drama is her middle name. She was devastated when Chris didn’t give her a rose a few weeks ago. (WARNING: She’ll be on the next show, The Bachelorette.)
I told the boys I would be taking them to Arlington, Iowa (the bachelor’s hometown) one day next week during spring break. Henry groaned. Noah protested. Isaac seemed to perk up at the idea.
“I’m so glad to be home,” my husband said, as he laughed. I smiled.
That’s true love.